Today is the 30th of August, 2020. feeling okay but that’s good.
Today is the 1st of September, 2020. I’m kinda feeling stressed out. also found out there’s a family of rats living in our back garden.
Today is the 2nd Of September, 2020. feeling kinda overwhelmed but also like whatever. wrote a song today that doesn’t completely suck.
Today is the 5th of September, 2020. had a stressful day today. almost forgot to water my bonsai. feeling like there’s a lot of weight on my shoulders but also kinda excited about what could happen next.
Today is the 7th of September, 2020. My brother’s girlfriend’s sister came over to celebrate her birthday. Other than that I had a pretty uneventful day.
Today is the 9th of September, 2020. Today was a weird day. I feel like there’s so much going on in my head and I can’t seem to narrow down my focus. Maybe I should just take a breather or make a planner…I’ll see.
Today is the 11th of September, 2020. A sad date for some to remember but a day I don’t really associate with any memories. At least nothing personal. Overall I had a pretty productive day and by productive I mean I only did what I wanted to do. It was great haha but I should probably get back to my responsibilities. I learned something today actually. Everything you do, your heart has to enter that realm first.
Today is the 14th of September, 2020. Had a weird day today. It was kinda a rollercoaster of emotions which is pretty common in my case but still strange enough for me to take notice. I guess it’s a good thing that I’m not numb yet. That I still feel, still laugh, still hurt. It’s a weird cycle I’m in right now. In order to be happy I need to create and in order to create I need misery. maybe that’s the dilemma of every artist or poet or songwriter. sadness and dopamine. a gift and a curse.
Today is the 17th of September, 2020. There’s light at the end of the tunnel if my ideas come to life. The world in my head is so much better than real life. I hope one day the two can be one in the same.
Today is the 19th of September, 2020. What happened today? Ehm..I got new bedsheets and pillows so that was kinda nice. I also cleaned my room. I worked on my manga/novel a little bit and thought of some new comedy skits to direct. I also thought a lot about what it would be like to be famous. I thought about interviews and reward ceremonies. I thought about how nowadays we exist so loudly and always wanna tell the world where we are, who we’re with, what our favorite movie is or what songs were listening to. I don’t know. it kinda made me think. I’d like to be like the moon. It’s brilliant but it never really says much.
Today is the 21st of September, 2020. I hate speaking to people. I regret every word I say.
Today is the 22nd of September, 2020. Can’t seem to get back into my groove. Lol ‘groove.’ I’m so old. Been losing sleep to nothing. Eating one meal a day. Hurts being me but I’m nobody else I guess.
Today is the 12th of October, 2020. The world is ending. It always was. I hate it here. I’m trapped in my mind, trapped in my failures, trapped in my insecurities. I feel like a fish. It goes against my nature to be here. To breathe air. You shouldn’t have to go all the way somewhere just to be where you are.
Today is the 15th of October, 2020. Thoughts of destroying my life are starting to creep in again. I guess if I can’t tap out and I can’t be happy then I don’t wanna live with the hope of change or the fear of failure. I don’t want to wake each day with the option to make things better but end up making them worse. I don’t want to smile and play pretend or glance at my dreams and whisper “someday.” I don’t want the choice, the privilege to decide what to do next or what works best for me because the truth is I suck at this. I suck at life.
Today is the 18th of October, 2020. I feel like the roof’s caving in again. Like all this build up is going to come crashing down on me eventually. Am I the only one who feels this way? Who lives each day like time doesn’t exist? I wish I met others like me. Maybe we could start a band called ‘TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE DIRT ON YOUR FACE.’
Today is the 20th of October, 2020. It really is a crazy time to be alive. I’m not sure how I’m going to navigate through this. If I don’t find God soon I’ll be paralyzed. It’s either I die young or my dreams come to fruition. There’s no inbetween. At least not anymore.
Today is the 23rd of October, 2020. The other day I heard a voice say “Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re trying your hardest.” My immediate response to that was “who are you?” I’ve never heard that voice before. Never experienced affirmation…It was so strange to me. Maybe I’m getting better mentally. I’ve been praying. Not consistently but I’ve been praying.
Today is the 1st of November, 2020. I might be quiet but my heart is yelling. Everything I look for I find but it’s hard to see things. It’s hard not to take life for granted when you’re so use to the way things are. It’s hard to feel love when it’s only in exchange for something else. I have nothing more to give. So bottle up my last words and throw it into the ocean. This world is bullshit.
Today is the 2nd of November, 2020. Election Day. It’s been such a crazy year for me. For everyone I bet. Politics just seems so far from where my minds at right now. It’s not that I don’t care. I do care. You should see the notes on my phone lol. I might run for office one day(joking). I have a lot of ideas about improving life on this planet. I dunno though. World’s pretty jacked up. Today wasn’t bad. I would say it was a good day overall but life’s just life. it gives and it takes. Oh! I dropped a song the other day and ppl actually liked it which was kinda awesome since I was expecting it. It’s a good feeling. I hope I get that feeling more often.
Today is the 26th of November, 2020. Is it weird that I can’t remember if I cried or not today? My face stings like I’ve been crying but I can’t quite recall. Happy Thanksgiving by the way. Uhm, I came here because I wanted to say something even though I didn’t really have much to say. I’d like to write another song I think. Shakespeare is in the air tonight, I’m in that mood again. Am I sad? I’m not sure. I kinda just feel disappointed and at this stage I’m already use to my failures. I saw something today that made me think. Maybe we can’t force ourselves to change or improve but it’s what’s around us, what we experience that shapes us. We need to throw ourselves into the flame, into something new in order to force ourselves to adapt to our new surroundings. Just a thought. I’ll be in my room.
Today is the 1st of December, 2020. lock me up inside a jail cell. Break my bones and set my hair on fire. Yesterday was a good day though.
Today is the 11th of December, 2020. I put up the Christmas tree. I hate my life.
Today is the 18th of January, 2021. Why am I always depressed? The world is no place for a young sheriff who only relates to the fictional characters in his head. I think I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My fatigue is getting out of hand. It might just be stress. I probably need to stop worrying so much. Life isn’t just about making things better yourself.
Today is the 29th of August, 2020. I had a good cry today, life’s weird.
Today is the 31st of August, 2020. feeling ugly, might take a picture.
Today is the 3rd of September, 2020.
threw out a bunch of garbage from the shed. kept the vintage silvercrest tv in my room. I hate bugs.
Today is the 4th of September, 2020. Had a very busy day today which is kinda nice but also hectic and bleh. I feel like my life has been on autopilot for the past week or so. Being alive is proving difficult.
Today is the 6th of September, 2020. mom made me throw out the tv.
Today is the 8th of September, 2020. Things were getting kinda better for me but I sank low again. Now everyday feels like a constant battle. Still fighting.
Today is the 10th of September. I slept in ‘til 2pm. Woke up to my mom telling me to mow the lawn. Thought of some cool ideas while outside. I want to move to New York.
Today is the 12th of September, 2020. Okay so today was pretty productive. I did some of my own stuff and managed to get some piled up work done. I also prayed today so that was a big plus. Still had my first meal at like 7pm though so it wasn’t a total win. I really need to take a bath. It’s been my third day without showering. Yikes.
Today is the 13th of September, 2020. I don’t want to talk about today. Today was gross. Yah I fucking showered but life stinks anyways. I kinda wanna watch TV again. I know It’s been years but I’m in search of something. An inspiration.
Today is the 15th of September, 2020. NOTHING MATTERS.
Today is the 16th of September, 2020. I’m afraid things are never going to change, that I’m never going to change. I don’t know if things will ever get better. I want them to but I don’t know if I’m capable of….
Today is the 18th of September, 2020. So I actually skipped this diary entry by accident since yesterday was a bit of a blur. I don’t remember much about what happened besides listening to this song and thinking wow, this is a really good song. I recall staring at the sky and hearing the sound of kids playing in the distance. I thought to myself, “damn, I wish I could go back to the old days.” I hate that everyone says that though. It makes it feel less meaningful when I say it.
Today is the 20th of September, 2020. Well that was a fun week. It wasn’t. I’m being sarcastic. It’s a shame I’m not there yet. You know, not the person I need to be/want to be. I suck life good and that’s all she wrote. I wonder why life is so complicated? Why prayer don’t work like magic and why time is always in a rush? People talk about the universe a lot. About speaking things into existence. About how it conspires to help you when you want something really bad. Fuck the universe. Fuck the world and fuck life. I know what some might say “Well there’s your problem.” Yah? Well fuck you too then.
Today is the 26th of September, 2020. Skipped a couple of days. No real reason just life. Starting to think I sprung back into existence too soon. Maybe I would be better off dead alive. It’s just a lot, having to be present, having people depend on you, having to communicate. It’s a lot.
Today is the 1st of October, 2020. I get zero points for consistency but I guess that’s alright. I don’t always got something to say. It’s 3am and I kinda have a headache. God, life’s weird. It really is man. I don’t even know if anything is worth caring about, thinking about. I’m a deep thinker so naturally I….If I ever have kids, I’d want a daughter. I dunno, I was thinking about it today. Boys are dumb and smell weird. I’ve been feeling better as of late. I discovered praising God when times are rough is kinda therapeutic. This entry is all over the place so I’m just gonna end on this: I’m getting older. It’s feels weird but I’m finding myself.
Today is the 16th of October, 2020. I don’t think my friends know me and that scares me because I could spend my whole life being the only one I can turn to for help.
Today is the 17th of October, 2020. I usually have something to say before I get here. I guess the only good thing about being sad is that music sounds better.
Today is the 19th of October, 2020. I guess it doesn’t really matter how I feel. It doesn’t really matter what I say or what I think or anything on the inside. Nothing I show people matters either. Nothing on the outside. All that matters is what I know of myself. Everything else deserves to remain a mystery. A mystery at the least because people don’t need to know me. They don’t need to hear what I’m going through. There’s a lot worth crying about but in the end……I need to focus on myself and what I can do, not what I can’t do. People will make time to ask you if you’re okay but never make time to wait for your reply. I don’t want to give people more than they can take and they can’t take much cos they’re already so full of shit.
Today is the 21st of October, 2020. I keep messing up. I’m sorry God.
Today is the 26th of October, 2020. Who I am hurts me.
Today is the 28th of October, 2020. There’s a chance I might not be here for very long. I fear I’ll never find my way back to normality. Back to a life worth living. I think fear is a bigger motivator than love though and I hate that.
Today is the 16th of November, 2020. Life is scary. Never knowing what’s around the corner. Never knowing what tomorrow holds. It never allows you to sit in comfort, Life. You can’t anticipate it. It’s a shape shifter. Don’t lose your sense boys and girls. Don’t ever become comfortable with your bad habits, with your filth. Take showers. Don’t just let it be. You’re so much better than that. Sin is never worth it. Giving up is never the answer. Follow God.
Today is the 27th of November, 2020. I make a sad french toast. Something I learned today (well maybe not really learned but realized) is that help is a team effort. You gotta help yourself to get help.
Today is the 28th of November, 2020. I’m a faker. A phony pony, dog shit, boner loving asshole. Fuck you, me.
Today is the 3rd of December, 2020. It’s becoming clearer everyday that I really do reside in Nirvana. The winter never ends, the windows are frosty and the sky is white with clouds. The air smells like teen spirit and nostalgia. I live in a state of complete self awareness. I’m self aware that the times are never changing, that my failures are adding up, and that I am an utter and complete loser. Also, my bonsai died.like a week ago.
Today is the 12th of December, 2020. I found my purpose in life. Everything I am can be summed up in one sentence. My radioactive spider is love.